BREAKING: Fetty Wap Found Dead on Stratford
The Kumquat has the sad misfortune to report that Fetty Wap was found dead around 5:30 p.m. today. Fetty Wap was set to be the headliner for the year’s most anticipated event, Juice Jam, but was impeded by the inevitability of death.
According to official reports, Fetty Wap decided to walk the beautiful streets of Syracuse when three tweens, roughly 12-14 came across him. Not recognizing who he was, the tweens forwent robbery in favor of murder and Mr. Wap was brutally stabbed to death on Stratford. It has been confirmed that the tweens in question are the same ones who have recently been terrorizing the streets by mugging people.
Students are enraged Fetty Wap could not perform. They have been trashing him, UU, and sending his family death threats. Dear students, can you not think for once that maybe the artist didn’t show up because he was murdered? How do you feel now?
Fetty Wap was near and dear to all of our hearts at the Kumquat. The words he sung are imprinted in our brains forever.
“I ain’t chasing no pussy, girl I’m talking ‘bout the digits. Big bank rolls in my pockets, all fifties.”
He was one of the wisest of our generations, and although we will never be able to hear him live, he will forever lay buried underneath the Promenade.