5 Similarities Between Participating in Bid Day and Using a Bidet

It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or… Read More

An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article. This article… Read More

Elmira Cuttinggrass is This Year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive!

Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive. “I… Read More

9 Signs You And Your Roommate Are A Perfect Match – Number Five Will Blast Your Penis Clean Off!

Your roommate isn’t just a person who lives with you. They’re your closest confidante, best friend, and – dare I say it? – total soulmate. They also witnessed the devastating accident that resulted in your penis being blast clean… Read More

Top 10 Beers Ranked by How Mean They Make My Stepdad

Bold. Brisk. Breathtaking. These words describe some of the tastiest beers in America. They also describe my stepdad’s unprovoked anger. With so many different beers on the market, it can be difficult to sort through all of the… Read More

Spooky! This Girl Sent Out A Cry For Help From Another Dimension

Warning! The following account is totally spine tingling! Syracuse University freshman Jenny found herself in a chilling situation when she accidentally performed the Elevator Ritual in Brewster hall while trying to visit friends. Once she found herself in… Read More

5 Ironic Tee’s That Will Make Him Cum In His Pants The Minute He Sees You

It’s a fact that quirky humor is super sexy. But it’s also a fact that women have a hard time being funny. It’s just not something we were designed for, according to science. Luckily, there’s a quick fix… Read More

Astonishing: Meet The Brave Photographer Who Captured The Whitest Photo Of All Time

Marcus Montgomery was getting on the bus to his apartment while overhearing two girls checking the receipt of the scones they just bought, as if they were going to return them or something. After spending all day in… Read More

BREAKING: Fetty Wap Found Dead on Stratford

The Kumquat has the sad misfortune to report that Fetty Wap was found dead around 5:30 p.m. today. Fetty Wap was set to be the headliner for the year’s most anticipated event, Juice Jam, but was impeded by… Read More

There’s No Easy Way To Say This, And We Didn’t Know How To Contact You, But Brad You’re Out Of The Kumquat

Dear Brad, it’s never easy to say goodbye. But as painful as it is to say, you’ve given us no other choice. We respect you enough to try to say this to your face, but the truth is… Read More