Breaking: This Student’s Parents Wanted to See a Movie at Destiny, But Didn’t Want to Support Those Hollywood Liberals. What Happened Next?

Ashley was looking for a fun weekend activity while her parents, Jim and Karen, who she lovingly refers to as “Jim and Karen”, were in town. Did she want to go to Denny’s? Turning Stone? All great options,… Read More

Crouse Hinds Money Tree Produces Bountiful Harvest

The Crouse Hinds money tree has yielded the largest harvest the university has ever seen, Chancellor Kent Syverud announced this week. Syverud ordered his indentured servant, Otto the Orange, to personally pick each wad of cash from the… Read More

Local TA Attempts to Assert Mildest Form of Authority Possible over Recitation, Gets Immediately Bullied

SYRACUSE, NY- Chad Conway thought he had been relaxed enough as a TA in his MAT 221 recitation that he could start to exert a bit more authority on his students. He thought wrong. In last week’s recitation,… Read More

SU Bus Driver Adds Dozens of Names to Enormous Shitlist After Long Shift of Not Being Thanked

FAYETTEVILLE, NY – Returning home after a full 8-hour shift driving various routes to and from Syracuse University and South Campus, local bus driver Danika Walters took a few minutes to pen down several names of passengers who… Read More

New Uber Feature Exclusively For Sexually Rejected Freshmen Wondering Where They Went Wrong at 3am

As Uber in Syracuse continues to be the most revolutionary form of transportation on campus since that one kid that skates on only two wheels, a new feature has been sweeping the streets. Available now during the horniest… Read More

Uh Oh, Someone’s “Two Truths and a Lie” on the First Day of Recitation Got Way Too Real

The first PSY 205 recitation of the year started out harmlessly. Apart from the TA saying the word “chill” a few too many times, class was proceeding in a typically mundane manner. Things started going south when, instead… Read More

7 Statues on Campus that Perfectly Describe How Your Semester is Going

These Syracuse campus statues are not just hilarious, they also perfectly portray how your semester is going! 1) When someone asks you what your major is (again)! 2) When your advisor tells you your thesis statement needs some work… Read More

5 Similarities Between Participating in Bid Day and Using a Bidet

It is a day you will never forget. One filled with nerves, surprise, and, ultimately, a whole lot of joy and excitement for a future of possibilities. Yes, it is the first time you use a bidet. Or… Read More

An Article About How Great the Newest Kumquat Article Is, Written by Someone Who Is Definitely Not in the Kumquat

As a student at Syracuse University completely unaffiliated with Syracuse University’s most HILARIOUS humor group, The Kumquat, I was psyched to learn that they would be releasing a brand new, and (spoiler alert!) hilarious new article. This article… Read More

Elmira Cuttinggrass is This Year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive!

Just after ordering her daily morning beverage of hot melted ice with lemon seeds at Café Kubal, Elmira Cuttinggrass was informed that she was to be presented with a prestigious honor – this year’s Most Tolerable TA Alive. “I… Read More