ESF Doctoral Candidate Findings Reveal Animals Are Incapable of Love

Jonathan Ramsey, a Ph.D. student at the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry, published a study this week that proves animals are completely incapable of loving their human owners.

“After performing extensive behavioral studies over a period of several months, I have obtained conclusive evidence that animals literally do not care about us at all,” Ramsey said on Monday.

“If anything, they probably hate us,” Ramsey continued. “I mean, just Google ‘cats.’ Look at all the terrible things people are doing to their cats. I’m going to make an educated guess that cats are sick and tired of getting shoved into teacups or socks or flower pots or mason jars so you can post it on Instagram.”

Furthermore, according to the study, even our most common beliefs about animals may be untrue. Butterflies, for example, do not kiss with their eyelashes. According to Ramsey, they “DON’T EVEN HAVE THOSE, OH MY GOD.”

According to the findings, not a single domesticated animal, from fish to ferrets and rats to Rottweilers, feels anything towards its owner other than slight loyalty. “And that’s just because you feed them,” Ramsey added.

When asked about how dogs perceive their masters, Ramsey was equally pessimistic. “All that ‘man’s best friend’ stuff? Total crap. Dogs know the only reason you have them is to turn them into a meme or to attract sexual partners like that goddamn “Must Love Dogs” movie. Trust me, your dog is fed up with the cutesy bullshit.”

He then hastily added, “It’s science.”

Ramsey claims his findings are completely scientific and unbiased, though sources say he remains bitter after his tragic mauling in 2006 by a ferocious pack of kittens. Ramsey declined to comment on the subject.