How to Make Every Conversation About You!

We at The Kumquat know nothing is more annoying than when people talk about trivial things like the presidential election, gender issues, or gun control instead of what really matters — that sick shot you scored at the buzzer last week. So, to avoid such irrelevant chatter, we are here to coach you on how exactly you can make every conversation about you and only you.

 

Good News

Once you allow your conversational partner to talk about any positive progress in her lives, she will not stop. If she tries to tell you about how she completed their first marathon last week, stop her right there. This is the optimal time to bring up how you competed in the 4×4 relay in high school and you even placed for Sectionals’, but not Regionals. There is no way she can change the subject from that, because that would be completely and utterly rude.

 

Death

Many times the person you are talking to will try and pull the death card. This is surprisingly one of the easier topics to maneuver. For example, if a friend is telling you about how his grandfather passed away, let him know that you have not seen your grandfather in over a year, so he should feel lucky!

 

Break-ups

Divorce can be tough, but it is even worse to hear someone talk about it.  When a friend lets you know that her mother and father were brutally torn apart by the inevitable demise of love, let her know that you totally understand and you know exactly what she is going through. Your parents always bicker about what type of furniture to buy and it is such a drag! Family drama like that can really take a toll on you.

 

Job Loss

Job loss can be a tough time, and many people experience it. But, this is not a topic you want to hear about, so quickly turn the conversation to you. If your brother is telling you about how he got the boot, let him know that your boss is a total dickweed and you would kill to get the hell out. Your life is much worse than his; talk about it now.

 

If you have precisely followed this article, then you now know how to successfully change the conversation to be about the only thing that matters: you. Now get out there and tell everyone about getting 2nd place in the 8th grade spelling bee!