I Wrote an Obituary for Macaulay Culkin, and Even Though It Was a Hoax, I’ll be Damned if I Let it Go to Waste

        When I found out Macaulay Culkin passed away, I was utterly devastated. As one of America’s finest child actors, his death blindsided is all. To stand in solidarity, I decided to write an obituary that would help America process their loss.
         A short time after I drafted the obituary, I found out the death was just an online hoax. I was even more surprised. Was I relieved? Of course. However, I really put a lot of time into his obituary. I don’t like to “toot my own horn” but it is a pretty fucking solid obituary. Even though Macaulay is very much alive, I have decided to post it for everyone to read now. If you want to come back to this obituary once Mr. Culkin’s fateful final day comes to a close, it would be much appreciated. But for now, feast your eyes on this sweet introduction and you’ll know why I posted this bad boy.
        “Macaulay Culkin’s death hit me harder than a paint can to the forehead. Wham! A young Spencer Tracy? Perhaps. A major influence in the American film industry? Likely. Our nation’s sweetest yet most devious little movie menace? Definitely.” 
         You see, I just love the paint can line. Sometimes words just rush into your head and you have to scribble them down as quickly as you can. Was it Macaulay speaking to me from beyond the grave? Well I guess it wasn’t after all, but it was clearly something spiritual.
         “We all remember where we were when we watched Home Alone for the first time. I saw it on TBS in 2009 at my aunt’s house in Albany. I missed the first 30 minutes or so, but the picture was so artfully crafted I quickly figured out what had basically happened.” 
           I probably should’ve majored in English or journalism or something with words. Also, apparently Home Alone came out in 1990? Who knew? Luckily the movie is as timeless a film as any other suspense thriller to come before or after it.
          “The blonde bad boy with a pure heart won me over right then and there. Every snarky remark was a gold nugget in a treasure chest of comedy gold. Macaulay Culkin could do more with a wink or a raised eyebrow than most actors could do with an entire performance. How will we remember Macaulay? We shall remember him as the perfect yet fleeting reflection of America’s sense of hope and integrity.”
           I can’t wait to finally watch Home Alone 2. It’s been on my list for so long. Maybe I could update my obit when Mac kicks the bucket for real! My portfolio is going to look great. Does anyone know how Haley Joel Osment is doing? My Sixth Sense is tingling!