New ESF Department Chairs Will Be The Lorax, Wall-E, And A Bag Of Trail Mix

Everybody at ESF was shocked when they heard that President Quentin Wheeler had abruptly removed department chairs right before the start of the Spring Semester, but they were even more shocked when they heard about their replacements.

“I feel that these new chairs will renew campus morale and advance the success of this fine institution” Wheeler said in a statement emailed to all students and staff. “These individuals have proven to be champions of the ESF cause and I firmly believe in their ability to lead us to a bright and sustainable future.”

We reached out to the former department chairs to get their opinions on their colorful new colleagues. “I just can’t believe I’m being replaced by a Dr. Seuss cartoon. I’m genuinely speechless” said Gary M. Scott, former chair of Paper and Bioprocess Engineering.

There was a similar reaction from Donald Leopold, former chair of Environmental and Forest Biology: “I have no idea how President Wheeler thinks that a small rusty robot who barely speaks English could effectively lead in a professional environment” responded, via email. “I mean he’s cute and all, but he physically cannot sit at a desk and reach the keyboard! I have no idea what was going on in President Wheeler’s head. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.”

On the contrary, David H. Newman, former chair of Forest and Natural Resource Management, seemed more hopeful. “This might… actually work? I know the trail mix could have some difficulty adjusting to the demands of academia, but politically, it makes sense. Who doesn’t love trail mix? Or the Lorax and Wall-E? They all symbolize the core message that ESF believes in and the kids just love ‘em. Maybe this could bring in more interest and revenue to our small, beloved college.”

Although the reception of the news has been mixed, there is no denying that tensions are running high on ESF campus. With the recent 2014 appointment of Wheeler, ESF administration has been going through major shifts. However, many did not receive these shifts well. In 2016, a majority of ESF faculty voted that they had no confidence in Wheeler as a leader. It’s too early to say if his choices for the new department chairs will add to the divided climate on campus or bring a new dawn of peace and harmony. Either way, Oakie Acorn is still the finest mascot in the whole SUNY school system.