The Kumquat’s Definitive Ranking of Syracuse University Greek Life
We can all agree that nothing is more important to the Syracuse University campus than Greek life. Fraternities especially serve as unofficial campus centers for tank tops, beer stained furniture, and, of course, those philanthropy events we just couldn’t function without. There’s only one problem. How are we supposed to determine which frats are the best and, more importantly, which are the worst? Where is the truly unbiased Greek rank our campus has been demanding? Well, in an investigative journalism leap that SU hasn’t seen since the time the Daily Orange reported that Lucy’s had rats, The Kumquat grabbed an aspiring pledge and sent him out on the streets of Comstock and Walnut to finally officially rank the frats we’ve all been ranking in our heads since 1870. Here is what he came back with:
Yo what up, Cuse! I’m Yaboi Kevin and I can’t wait for fall rush. I got transported on my first day of college. It was lit, but I was put on probation and couldn’t rush until sophomore year. Luckily, I’ll be off soon to finally find my brothers. When The Kumquat asked me to rank the frats here a few weeks ago, I was stoked. What a great way to get my name out there and network, right? Well, the brothers at FIJI didn’t think so. I walked into the house to chat but they totally lost their shit when they realized I wasn’t the new dish boy and kicked me out. Since then, I had to develop other research methods. I tried digging through house trashcans, but that didn’t tell me anything – all I found was a bunch of expired condoms. I tried stealing their mail, but I just wound up with hundreds of cease and desist letters, so that was no help. Then, suddenly, it hit me. A frat is only as good as it’s house, and a house is only as good as its window count. With that in mind, I bring you the best, and most definitive, Syracuse University fraternity ranking.
15. Alpha Chi Rho
Commonly referred to as “Crow,” their house only has 47 windows. Weak. To top it off, 2 of those were boarded up and another 12 were broken. One more broken window and their newest member will be recruited through the Greater Syracuse Land Bank.
14. Sigma Alpha Mu
Not last, but close, Sammy only had 32 windows. What architect on earth designs a frat house with so few windows? In addition to that they had a danger sign (which was honestly chill) and a graffiti penis, which would have been cooler if the penis was bigger.
13. Zeta Beta Tau
Solid window number, but ZBT had a few that were covered by iron bars. That’s a little too kinky for my taste. They also had some graffiti penises including one TINY one. I mean look at how small that is! Not the kind of image I would want on my frat house.
12. Unmarked house
Even though this frat is empty now I’d probably still rush it. Solid amount of windows for its size with the only downside being that it has one boarded up. Bonus: the fact that there aren’t any other brothers means I get all those sweet windows to myself.
11. Delta Kappa Epsilon
Don’t get me wrong, it looks if you’re a European history major, I guess, but it was way to far away for me to count the windows. From my view I could only see 11.
10. Alpha Epsilon Pi
Forty-nine windows, a decent amount, but the majority of the ones on the first floor were covered by garbage bags. What are they trying to hide and why are they doing it so poorly?
9. Delta Tau Delta
Forty-five windows, I think. I didn’t get a good count because I was almost hit in the head by a beer bottle. Cool and dangerous, but I never want to go back to the days of needing headgear.
8. Psi Upsilon
Fifty-six windows and a perfect view of the Watson Hall staircase. Can’t get any better than that!
7. Sigma Chi
With 57 windows, I’d say this is your average frat. Sigma Chi gets a solid “Eh.”
6. Alpha Tau Omega
Sixty windows with 5 smaller circular ones that look like portholes. Those are dope.
5. Sigma Phi Epsilon
Sixty-one windows, half with shutters and half without them. Good to know that half the house would survive in a tornado if one ever hit Comstock.
4. Phi Kappa Psi
Only 56 windows, but 11 of them are in the basement with cool lights coming out of them. It reminded me of my high school winter carnival, which is good because I’m pretty sure that was the exact day I peaked.
3. Theta Chi
Eighty-six windows, which was impressive. Would probably rush.
2. Phi Delta Theta
The house has 131 windows in total, but only 61 regular sized windows. 70 of them are tiny in the front of their house to impress people. While it did impress me no doubt, it seems like they’re trying too hard to overcompensate for something…
1. SU Catholic Center
BY FAR the most windows I saw when I was out. I mean look at all of them! Sign me up to rush right away.