The Vice Presidential Debate Perspective America Needs to Read

The most important debate of the election season is upon us. The Vice Presidential Debate seeks to illuminate who of two men can tackle the behemoth task of replacing Joe Biden. We never admit it but we as a nation expect a lot from the office of Vice President. An astonishing New York Times survey of what Americans want from an ideal vice president align exactly with a Cosmopolitan survey of what high school seniors expect from their ideal prom date: he will make all our dreams come true, my parents won’t approve of him, and he will be DTF. Well, we at The Kumquat have noted these similarities between Your Dream Prom Date and Your Dream Vice President, and have tracked down the sources who will be able to give the most precise prediction of how these men will perform in the second highest office in the land. Below are the unedited statements of the prom dates of Mike Pence and Tim Kaine.

Denise Howard:

In math class, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I had a date to prom yet and I said no. He looked me up and down, nodded, and said, “Yeah. Sounds about right. Would you want to go with me? I think you could be the white girl for me.” I asked him if he had meant to say “the right girl”. He blinked three times, which in the 70s in rural Indiana, was a very provocative thing to do, and walked away. Mike and I electric slid our way to Prom King and Queen. Unfortunately, there was all this hullabaloo about us being cousins, which we WEREN’T, we were second cousins, so we couldn’t receive the honors. Our high school wasn’t going to go through THAT again. Would I vote for him? Sure, he was a perfect gentleman. Barely laid a finger on me all night and when he did, he kind of grimaced like he was touching a dead fish. After we lost the crown, he spent a large portion of the night in the bathroom with his friend Chip. A very loyal and trusting friend. He’s got my vote.

Penny Poopsy:

Poopsy. Yes. It’s my legal name. No, I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school. But I did have Tim Kaine. Tim could have asked any girl in Overland Park, Kansas, but he asked the girl with the fecal last name. Because that’s just the kind of guy Tim is. When “Your Song” by Elton John came on, Tim was over performing a card trick for a pack of orphaned stray dogs whom he had lured into the back of the gym with a bag of Cheetos. I was beginning to fear I wouldn’t get the slow dance I had always dreamed of at my prom. But suddenly, a hand coated with Cheeto dust tapped my shoulder and asked me to dance. His fuzzy brows pointed us onward, toward the dance floor and into the vast horizon that was the rest of our lives. I fell deeply in love with him that night. Vote for him? Yes. Every day. For the rest of my life.

Now that you’ve been educated, America, the choice is yours. Please watch tonight. And while watching, keep in mind, which of these two candidates would remember the corsage.